12 signs you are an emotionally safe parent for your neurodivergent child 

– even on the days when you doubt it too.

Neurodivergence has a high degree of heritability. It runs in families, and therefore many people with ADHD and autism will have, or perhaps already have, children with these conditions. Many parents express concern about how to manage their children's behaviour, whether they have been diagnosed or if it is merely suspected that they are neurodivergent. Here are some tips from an article I read recently. 

Yours sincerely, Psychiatrist Peter Mark.

Exercises that can support relaxation and stimulate the vagus nerve

1. You are trying to understand the reason behind the child's behaviour – not just the behaviour itself.
2. You are listening to your child, even when it says something that's difficult to hear.
3. You are repairing the relationship after conflicts, although it doesn't always succeed perfectly.
4. You speak for your child., when those around it do not understand its needs.
5. You make room for diversity And helps your child be themselves.
6. You see emotional outbursts as signals of overload, not as insubordination.
7. You acknowledge your child's feelings, even when you set limits on its actions.
8. You accept that what's best for your child may look different from what's best for others.
9. You are protecting your child from unnecessary shame and negative expectations.
10. You are willing to learn new things, change perspective and try again.
11. You show your child that they are loved and valued, exactly as it is.
12. You keep being there, even when everyday life is demanding.       

How to tell if the exercises are working

Signs of increased parasympathetic activity

When the body moves from stress and alarm readiness to a more relaxed state, it can both be felt physically and measured with various tools.

Heart Rate Variability (HRV)

HRV describes the variation between heartbeats and is often used as an indicator of how actively the parasympathetic nervous system is.

• A higher HRV is generally associated with better recovery and greater resilience to stress.
• HRV can be measured with heart rate monitors, smartwatches or health apps.
• If HRV increases after relaxation exercises, it can be a sign of increased activity in the vagus nerve.

2. Pulse and breathing

When the body settles down

• The pulse often falls.
• The breathing becomes slower and deeper.
• Many experience a feeling of having more energy and less inner turmoil.

3. Digestion and muscle relaxation

The activation of the parasympathetic nervous system supports the body's digestion and recovery.

Signs can include, among other things:

• More relaxed muscles.
• Increased saliva production.
• Better digestion.
• A general feeling of physical calm.

4. Tone of the vagus nerve

The concept of vagal tone describes how effectively the vagus nerve is working.

A high vagal tone is often associated with:

• Better emotional regulation.
• Greater resilience to stress.
• Faster return to calm after stresses.

Vagal tone is often assessed indirectly through HRV measurements or by observing the body's response to exercises such as breathing, humming and cold exposure.

Practical ways to follow developments

You can get a sense of the effect by:

• Measure HRV before and after relaxation exercises.
• Register changes in pulse and breathing.
• Notice if you feel more relaxed and present.
• Observe improvements in sleep, digestion, or energy levels.