How to tackle the holidays as neurodivergent

 

Holidays are often sold as the year's big respite. Now we get to relax, be spontaneous, experience things, be together, and finally do all those things we don't get around to in our everyday lives.

But for many neurodivergent people – and for many families with neurodivergent children – the holidays can also be one of the most demanding times of the year.

When everyday life stops, structure disappears. When you travel away, new sounds, new beds, new smells, new routines, and new expectations emerge. And when, at the same time, you want everyone to have a good time, your holiday can quickly become anything but relaxing.

Therefore, a good holiday isn't necessarily about doing as much as possible. It's about understanding what the nervous system can handle.

Start with the most important question: What do we need?

According to Kate Aamund, the first thing you should ask yourself is not: "Where are we going?" It is rather: "What do we need?"

Does the child need predictability? Does the adult need structure? Are autistic traits, sensory sensitivity or anxiety at play? Is there ADHD, which craves activity, variation and dopamine – but which at the same time risks becoming overstimulated?

This is precisely where holidays can become difficult. For some with ADHD, booking a holiday where you're constantly on the move can seem appealing at first. Two days here, three days there, new experiences, new cities, new sights.

But for a change-sensitive nervous system, it can be overwhelmingly stressful. Every time you go somewhere new, your body has to acclimatise again. There are new pillows, new noises, new rooms and new people to deal with.

What feels like an adventure to one person can feel like chaos to another.

Consider staying in the same place

For many neurodivergent children and adults, remaining in the same place for a longer period can be a great help.

It might sound boring to the part of the family longing for some excitement. But for the nervous system, it can be a gift.

When you stay in the same place, the body begins to know the surroundings. You know where to sleep. You know how breakfast works. You know where the beach, the forest, the ice cream shop, or the playground is. This repetition can create peace.

This doesn't mean that the holiday has to be without experiences. But the experiences can advantageously be built on a stable base.

It could be the same summer house. The same campsite. The same hotel. The same market you walk down to. The same afternoon trip to the beach.

Small repetitions can be what makes the holiday safe enough to actually have room to enjoy it.

 

Create a simple structure for the day

Many people with ADHD have an ambivalent relationship with structure. They know they need it, but at the same time, they can experience it as restrictive.

During the holidays, this dilemma becomes clear. On the one hand, people want to escape the routines of everyday life. On the other hand, completely open days can create unease, anxiety, and conflict.

Therefore, it can help to create a very simple daily structure.

It doesn't need to be a tight programme. It can be something as simple as:

• We are getting up.
• We are eating breakfast.
• We'll have a relaxed morning.
• After lunch, we might go out.
• Later we will come home again.
• In the evening, we eat and land.

For some children, knowing approximately what is going to happen can be a great help. Not because everything needs to be planned down to the finest detail, but because the uncertainty itself can be stressful.

Better a simple plan that can be adjusted than a completely open day where no one knows what's going to happen.

Beware of the spontaneous holiday

Spontaneity can be lovely. But in a neurodivergent family, spontaneity can also be something that tips the day over.

This is especially true if a child or adult has autistic traits or is very sensitive to change. Then a sudden idea like “let's just go to Aalborg” or “let's just drive on tomorrow” can create anxiety long before you've even set off.

That doesn't mean you can never be spontaneous. But it does mean that spontaneity should be used with caution.

For example, you can make small choices within a known framework:

Today we can choose between the beach or the forest.
We can go to a cafe or eat at home.
We can take a short trip or stay here.

That way, you get flexibility without losing security.

Airports can be extremely stressful

For many with ADHD, airports are one of the most stressful aspects of going on holiday.

There's time pressure, queues, passports, tickets, bags, security checks, people, noises, and unpredictability. If you're also a time optimist or tend to forget where you put things, it can quickly become overwhelming.

Concrete rules can help here.

The pass is always in the same front pocket.
The boarding pass is always in the same place.
Phone, wallet, and keys have fixed places.
There's plenty of time at the airport, even if it feels annoying.

The point is not to overcontrol, but to reduce the number of small panics.

If flying always causes stress, one might also consider if other types of holidays are better. Perhaps travelling by car, train or a holiday home closer to home is in reality more relaxing for the whole family.

 

Choose seats and breaks thoughtfully

If you're going to fly, it might be a good idea to think about your seating arrangement on the plane.

Many people with ADHD, restlessness, or anxiety may feel better sitting by the aisle or closer to an exit. Not necessarily because they need to leave, but because it can provide a sense of possibility. They can go to the toilet. They can get up. They feel less trapped.

The same applies in other contexts. At the cinema, at lectures, in auditoriums or at restaurants, it can be calming to sit somewhere where you can leave without having to pass many people.

It might seem like a small detail. But for the nervous system, it can make a big difference.

 

Weekend getaways beckon – but can be costly

Many people with ADHD will instinctively choose a city break. There’s always something going on. There are cafés, museums, shops, people, lights, sounds, and experiences.

It can be exciting. But it can also be too much.

If you fill your days with sights from morning to evening, you can end up with a holiday where everyone is overstimulated, exhausted, and irritable. You might see all of London, Paris or New York – but then need two weeks afterwards to recover.

That doesn't mean that city breaks are forbidden. But they must be planned wisely.

Make air in the programme.
Choose a few things per day.
Don't live in the middle of the noisiest area.
Wear earplugs or headphones.
Plan your breaks at the hotel.
Accept that you won't get everything done.

A good city break for a neurodivergent nervous system isn't necessarily the holiday where you get the most out of the city. It's the holiday where you can still feel like yourself when the day is over.

 

Nature can provide stimuli without overloading.

The paradox is that many neurodivergent people seek out strong stimuli, even though it's often calmer stimuli that do them good.

A hike, a beach, a forest, or a summer house by the North Sea can offer plenty of sensory experiences: wind on your face, the sound of waves, movement in your body, something to look at, something to collect, something to feel.

But that is a different type of stimuli than the city's buses, sirens, crowds, billboards and impressions from all directions.

Nature can activate the senses without necessarily overwhelming them.

For children, concrete, repeated activities can be helpful: collecting shells, going for the same walk, watching the sunset, playing quick games, throwing stones into the water, or going to the same ice cream shop.

The simple can be powerfully regulating.

 

Family gatherings can be draining

Holidays are also a time for family. Holiday homes with multiple families, grandparents, cousins and joint activities can sound cosy.

But for an overloaded nervous system, it can be deeply draining.

If one is already burned out, stressed or filled with inner turmoil, it can be difficult to deal with many people at once. Perhaps one can manage one person. Perhaps the child can play with one cousin, but not with five children, three adults, and communal meals all day.

It is important to be realistic here.

How much socialising can we actually handle?
Where can the child retreat to?
When are we having a break?
Shall we live with the others – or near them?
Can we participate in some things, but not all?

It is better to plan breaks in advance than to wait until the child has a meltdown, or the adults become exhausted and irritable.

 

A car holiday isn't always the peaceful solution

Many people think that a car holiday is easier than flying. And it can be, because you control the pace yourself.

But a long trip through Germany and France with children in the back seat can also be a tough burden. You're strapped in. Your body can't move freely. The children get bored. Restlessness builds up. And then come the conflicts.

If you opt for a car holiday, it is therefore important to plan for breaks, movement, and realistic stages.

Perhaps a shorter drive and a more relaxed holiday is better than a long journey that already wears out the whole family before the holiday has even begun.

 

Think in nervous systems – not in ideal holidays

A good holiday isn't a holiday that looks best on Instagram. Nor is it necessarily the holiday other families would choose.

The good holiday is the holiday that suits your nervous systems.

Perhaps it means fewer destinations.
Perhaps it means more structure.
Perhaps it means a smaller family.
Perhaps it means nature rather than the city.
Perhaps it means one adult goes to the museum, while the other stays home with the child.
Perhaps it means saying no to something you really wanted, because the price afterwards is too high.

It is not a defeat. It is care.

 

A holiday with fewer conflicts begins before the holiday

For holidays to be more successful, it’s best to start before you leave. Talk about what is usually difficult. Make a simple plan. Prepare the child. Pack in good time. Decide where important items should be kept. Think about transport, sleep, food, breaks and social interaction.

And most importantly: lower the level of ambition. For neurodivergent children and adults, holidays can be lovely. But they rarely turn out well by being completely free, completely spontaneous, and completely filled with experiences.

It will be good when there is room for both activity and rest. For both structure and freedom. For both community and breaks. And when you remember that it's not about getting the most out of your holiday. It's about coming home without being worn out.